Powerless. Betrayed. Hurt. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Out-of-my-mind. I felt all these emotions recently after I received a very disturbing phone call. I was rocked at my core. I was in a place of such darkness – a darkness that I can’t recall ever experiencing in the past.
I couldn’t pray, although I do recall screaming Jesus during a fit of rage. But, where was God? I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t feel him. And in that moment, I couldn’t believe my own hype. I couldn’t find the hope. I couldn’t see the light of God guiding me in the darkness.
I was lost in the wilderness by myself, and God wasn’t there.
Or was He?
NEVER, EVER believe God has left you totally alone. He truly is ALWAYS there. Sometimes we can be so blinded by our pain. Buried under the weight of so much hurt. That even though He is right there, we simply cannot see Him.
That’s what this recent test (Yep! That’s exactly what this is.) has taught me. God was with me in the beginning of this turmoil. He was there in the darkest moment. He is still there now. And, He will be there in the end.
How do I know?
Well, I sent a text to my pastor, gave her a brief sentence on the situation, and simply asked her to pray that the rage did not consume me. In all this darkness, I had the where-with-all, to ask for prayers, even when I couldn’t pray. Out of the blue, a friend (not knowing what I was going through) texted me to see how I was doing. I told her not well, and asked her to pray. My sisters were praying hard. I’m sure there were others as well.
You see, in that pitch-black moment, there was a light burning in the deepest recesses of my soul. The Holy Spirit calling on it to shine brighter so that I would not get so buried by rage and hate and pain. And those prayer warriors were my God-sent lifeline – vessels of hope.
God kept me!
So, even though I was hurting, I handcrafted those flames. It took a few tries. I used up a lot of rose gold wire. But, oh, when I got in my groove, I began to work through my pain. I saw beauty. I saw God. He was right there.
He’s still there working this out for me. Do I hurt? Yep. Do I still get down and angry? Of course. It’s still fresh. So, I’ll admit that I’m not over this just yet. Healing is a process. It takes time. And, that is okay.
But, there’s always hope. I can see its beacon through it all.
Oh! And, if you’re wondering what my customer thought about her flame set, she wrote to me after I shared my struggle with creating it.
“My set is absolutely gorgeous!!! Your pain is making masterpieces.”
So, if I must struggle a little, so I can help someone in despair see that God is always there even in the darkness and the depths of despair, it’s worth it all.
What about you? Have you struggled to see God in times of despair, but he showed up anyway? Share your testimony in the comments.Are you stuck in the darkness and need God’s guidance? Comment below or contact me privately if preferred to be added to the Ayana Glaze prayer list. I’m happy to pray with you.